All I Am


Once upon a time, there was a young woman who quit her job to start her own business.

She set up her work station at home, formed an LLC, had a logo, and got to work. And she did work – for months, it was meetings with production houses, graphics, sourcing fabrics.

Then, she got pregnant.

And after that, like every feminist’s nightmare, she stopped pursing her previous goals, to incubate, then to birth, then to raise.

To other people who asked, she always said that she’d get back to it one day, possibly in a year or so, but somewhere deep inside she knew the truth:

“I just don’t want to anymore, because I just don’t love it enough”

………

OKAY FINE. IT WAS ME. 

Big surprise there, right?

So here I am, 14 months after Olive was born. And for 14 months, this business has been gnawing at the back of my mind, because I still have some goods that are sitting in my garage, and because I still paid for the year’s LLC fees. Because of all that money I sank into it. There are so many reasons that I should push forward with this, but I JUST DON’T WANT TO ANYMORE. 

Today, I filed the papers for the dissolution of my company. It never got off the ground, really – in the thick of it all, I got pregnant, so it really just fell by the wayside. However, it has taken me this long to admit that closing this chapter is what I wanted, because in my mind, that would be totally admitting that I had wasted all that time, that energy, and that MONEY and had absolutely nothing to show for it. It would be admitting that I chose to be a Stay At Home Mom, a badge that I still cannot seem to wear with pride. Just recently, someone had asked me what I did for a living, and my answer was “oh, I’m a Stay At Home Mom FOR RIGHT NOW”. What the Fuck is that? Right Now? Because let’s be honest, I don’t have any plans AT ALL. 

Having said all of that, though, I do wish to start working again, someday. I want to be able to have something other than my family and child that fulfills me. Making money? I like that. I want to do that. I don’t know what ‘my thing’ is just yet, (Is being a professional pinner for Pinterest a thing, because I can do that) but for now, I get to spend everyday with this sweet thing, so really, I can’t complain too much, can I?

 

Image

Olive at 14+ months | Photo taken by Sadaf Murad of Sadaf Murad Photography

 

4 thoughts on “All I Am

  1. vickiho

    Oh I really get that. When I decided to be a musician, I never stopped journalism, well because 1. Money? 2. I couldn’t let it go. When someone asked what I did recently, I said “I’M a journalist! AndIalsohaveaband………” Because I can’t pin that on myself yet without feeling like a total hippie. But someone said to me recently that until I let myself own it, I’ll never succeed at music. I think you’re an amazing mother and your life is very fulfilling, and I’m proud of you for starting to own it. To own your life and the meaning you are making to those around you. > >

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  2. moneyconsciousmomma

    You seriously just wrote my story. I figure when my daughter doesn’t need me I won’t need her. For right now she needs me and I need her. When she is in school, ill work the hours she is in school. At least right now we have plenty of time to decided what we want to do with the rest of my career life. Others don’t have this luxury. For this I’m lucky.

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