It’s been a bittersweet week here in the house.
On the bright side, my husband is back from an extended study trip in Europe – we are so glad he’s back, we completely missed him! On the other hand, my mom went back home to Singapore. I’ve always been very close to her, so watching her leave is always extremely upsetting to me.
Admittedly, not having Patrick in town so much is tough – but to get through it, I’ve had to get used to his absence. I’ve had to get used to being alone. And when Patrick comes home, it takes some time getting adjusted to him being back and to have so much ruckus in the house once again. I hate that I sometimes am accustomed to my husband not being there, but I do believe it’s one of the ways I make sure I survive through the week.
And I know that Patrick sees that.
And I cannot imagine how much it hurts him to be away from his home so often, and to see that we function without him being physically there.
I have to be honest – I often find that I have the attitude of “woe is me” : being a Stay At Home Mom is tiring and draining, and being alone sans husband so often leaves me feeling empty. I rarely stop to think about how Patrick feels that he’s away from his wife and daughter, and how tired he must be to travel so much. How while he has so much of the “alone time” that I crave, he never gets “me” time or “family time” that he desperately needs.
We are both trying to do the best we can do contribute to our family unit; fulfilling our roles and responsibilities as breadwinner/caregiver/spouse/parent. But I know that I get so caught up in the motions of it that sometimes I lose sight of what it is we are working so hard for. I get resentful that he’s gone, and that it’s just me, holding down the fort. I actually forget that he’s out there working his ass off, putting food on the table. This weekend, I stumbled upon my husband sitting alone in his study, and saw how tired, stressed, and sad he looked. I realized he hasn’t had a weekend to himself in over a month. And I just wanted to cry, because I had forgotten how much this man tries for me and my child.
In this family, no one has an easy job. And no one has the easier job. We both work ourselves to the bone just to make sure the other two parties are happy. I am so happy, and humbled, to have a wonderful family to care for; and a husband who loves us enough to be apart from us even though his heart hurts for it.
I love you, honey.