Glimmer


I recently started to go to therapy to learn how to manage my stress. Stress is a trigger for my new fun hobby, migraines; and I really wanted to learn methods of coping with stress before it turned into a blinding headache. 

Therapy hasn’t been what I thought it would be. Where I thought I would be learning methods of dealing with stress (cue images of counting to 10, or deep meditative breathing) , I’ve begun to unearth many forgotten or long-squashed-down feelings from my childhood, instead. Feelings I thought that I had made peace with, or didn’t even know existed at all.

Needless to say, it’s been an emotional time.

A couple of things I’ve learned so far:

1. I have zero sense of self awareness. I am shockingly unable to tell when I am stressed, or high strung, or in denial about something until it’s too late – then I am unable to cope with the mess of feelings.

2. I am struggling to find my identity now that I am a stay at home mom. My career has fallen by the wayside, but I think that it’s mainly because I never truly loved my job, or felt a calling to any one profession. Who i expected to be, and who I have actually become are very different people, and I’m still grappling with that.

3. I am still affected by my parents divorce – and all the repercussions from that split –  which happened almost 20 years ago.

4. Now that I’m a parent myself, I am looking at my parent’s past decisions through different eyes. 

5. I fear becoming a boring, one dimensional MOM PERSON who has no other interests, or skills, other than being a mom. 

My brother (who is no stranger to therapy, and has also held my hand through my many post-therapy emotions) said that after therapy, I will be more aware of what’s eating away at me. Then I can learn how to cope with these issues and grow from there.

I guess it beats the other method I’ve been using … denial or avoidance.

I’m hoping for the best – that at the end of it all I’ll be mentally and emotionally happier and healthier…which means that I’ll be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.

 

 

3 thoughts on “Glimmer

  1. everydaywcharlie

    ive done therapy two times in my life. the first was totally wretched. the second was one of the hardest things ive gone through yet one of the most… rewarding. there would be days where the session was physically painful and almost unbearable. i would think i’d hit a new low yet the shrink encouraged “that was really hard work, great job, esther”. major kudos to you, jody for taking this courageous step!

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  2. Vivien

    Dear Jody, when I read this post, memories of being frustrated, angry and stressed began flooding back. What am I talking about? I still feel those things and I now truly feel I’m not alone. No one seemed to understand how challenging it is to be a stay home mum especially only knowing ourselves as somewhat career women. I felt like I lost myself; was being a housewife/ mum all I would be from them on? My opinion is everyone needs more than 1 thing to do. Will you be returning to work?

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  3. this day is for J

    I totally relate to #2 and #5. I was at a good high in my career and had plans to apply to a business school. I guess it’s easier to make a baby than it is to get an MBA. But yes, I love being a mother and all the time I get with baby but I get these tiny niggling feelings of self-doubt and insecurity sometimes. I worry that I would be obsolete by the time I return to work. I worry I would be that burnt out housewife who has given up and wears sweatpants all the time. I worry I would no longer be capable of holding interesting conversations and think diaper poop is an appropriate dinner party conversation starter.

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